>return?

"in 730 days if i dont make my own way best believe that ill be worm food. in the dirt too." -perry maysun, worm food



Why do we praise death in the way we do? today [it was 2.5.26 when i was writing this] we had a student-led assembly, and one of the people leading the assembly was in my study hall. A teacher came in and told the student that she “killed it” out there. I think saying “you killed it” as a way to tell people they did a really good job is weird. It's here that i realize my intro line was misleading. we don't praise death. we praise murder, strangely enough, despite it being a cardinal sin. I also think the act of sacrificing people or calling death in battle so valiant and good is weird too. I know every religion says god lives in the sky in a realm or world or whatever heaven is supposed to be beyond mortals but like. Why don’t we look for him or her or them or it on earth? perhaps we do, hoping that in the blood spilled in war, holy or otherwise, we'll see god in our own reflection, telling us that we are the correct side and we can do no wrong.



I dont think “earth” in the way we see it is earth. One of my irls made a joke a while ago where he said “we all died in 2020 and weve been in hell the whole time”. It was funny, but it also kinda made me think “what if we HAVE been in hell this whole time? What if hinduism and buddhism were right and we have like. Layers to go through for every life we live until we finally get to heaven? What if that light at the end of the tunnel that people see during the slow death is heaven, their reward for not quitting?” that’s a cool thought i think. It begs the question though, do people who are murdered or die early in sudden ways not deserve that reward too? I think that question can be answered by saying they just. Weren’t ready to go yet. Or maybe they do get to go, and they do see that light. The last thing that goes is your hearing, so it could also be that they hear the light in some weird way rather than seeing it since, more than likely, theyre already dead and have lost vision. I hope that i get to hear it too instead of seeing it. I dont really like bright lights, and as you can probably tell by the five billion artists mentioned in my about me that i love music. I lost my headphones a while ago btw, which really sucks. Thankfully i still have wired ones that go to my computer, but im still sad cause i dont have headphones for my phone anymore.

[A.N. i got those headphones back like. a while ago. another pair did go missing tho, which sucks]

Another thing is that death is seen so. Casually for some reason. We say RIP when random inconveniences happen, we say “im dead” or use skull emojis/dead flower emojis to convey when something is funny to us, we’ve made death into something of a joke. I’m not saying thats especially a bad thing; death shoudlnt be seen with such gravitas. That only fuels the fire that is the everpresent and looming fear of death shared by all of humanity, whether they know it or not. Circling back to the point i made in my first paragraph, after thinking about it more, sacrifice and death in battle make death less scary, and i think that makes a lot of sense actually. Not that death is an inherently good thing, but i dont think it should be seen as a bad thing either.

Its like being afraid of the doctor, or spiders. You’re going to see a spider at some point in your life no matter what. You’re going to go to the doctor at some point in your life no matter what. Being cripplingly afraid of either one makes no sense, because they’re both just. There. Maybe spiders and doctors aren’t the best metaphor, because both could very well lead to your death or save your life. Spiders bite people, but they also eat mosquitoes who can carry malaria which can also kill you. Doctors, if they arent that good at their jobs, may botch a surgery that ends in your death. more often than not, that doesnt happen, and they actually do their job. With death, you just die. But death is more inevitable than spiders or doctors.

We say that phones and electronics die. Plants die. Literally everything that can possibly “live”, whether it be manmade or organic, can die. ||[side-tangent, do genetically modified plants count as manmade? I mean they technically are, they are literally made into what they are by humans and science. Are modern day bananas manmade? Are seedless grapes manmade? The concept of a garden probably isnt manmade, since forests are just big gardens full of trees instead of just flowers or food crops. ||||[side-side-tangent, where does the isolation between cutlery lie. Are knives just like. Flattened long sharp spoons? Are forks flattened, cut up spoons? Or are spoons concave short knives? Are knives one pronged sharp forks??? I dont know man i was just thinking about that because of the forest-garden distinction]|||| ]||

For a long while i didnt understand why death was so sad. I understood it, and i knew that it meant never seeing people again, but i could never really understand why. I couldn’t imagine a life without the people i cared about, so i obviously couldnt imagine why living without them would be so sad. Then i got older, and i started to be able to imagine that.

The first night i spent home completely alone was a night where my dad was stuck in another state and my mom was in the hospital with a stomach condition. I was terrified. Beyond terrified, actually. I barely remember anything from that night aside from crying myself to sleep in my parents’ bed. I also don’t remember what happened the morning after, so i couldnt tell you if they were back by then or if they were still gone. Im pretty sure i was okay by then specifically because i dont remember it. Point being, that was the first time i really understood the gravity of death, because i spent that whole night afraid like i was fearing for their lives, when i knew full well that they’d both be home in the morning alive and well. Being alone was the scariest part of that.

Being forgotten is a scary concept for me. when i was a LOT younger i was really big into the performing arts, meaning i was constantly traveling to go to dance conventions and shoot videos and what have you. this also came with the unforeseen side effect of developing in me a crippling need for validation that i couldn't give to myself. this then evolved into being a people-pleaser, which also came with the addition of a crippling fear of being forgotten. that's one reason why death is so scary for me in particular. i know that its inevitable that eventually, the last mention of my name will, at best, be in a book no one even takes a second glance at, which is why im not scared of being forgotten by those that will come after me. I'm scared of being forgotten by those that are now right beside me.

One thing that i dont understand about people's perception of death is their aversion to being buried, or people wanting to be cremated. the aversion to being buried [without a coffin, i mean] i guess makes sense. the idea of being completely covered in dirt might throw someone off, but the part that doesnt really click to me is that you'll be dead by then. So like. why would you care. plus youre feeding the earth and the worms. youll LITERALLY b worm food (SHE SAID THE THING OH MY GOD). worms r really cute imo....just little things. guys, dare i say. theyr so silly